Vampire Profile - Profile for MistressReznor at Vampire Rave.

Late in the year 1994 I was the
miserably depressed wife of an abusive & cheating
alcoholic. I was raising my two sons, then 7 & 9,
practically on my own, by babysitting. For the
previous 18 months I had slept on the couch at my
husband's insistance. He had a girlfriend. I knew
it I just didn't care enough to confront him. That
year my mother also lent me the money for my first
computer. I immediately signed up for aol & jumped
right into the chat rooms. I was desperate for
adult companionship. I met Joshua in a chat room
in early November of that year. His screen name
was 'Lord Poet Black' so gothically romantic & sexy.
My screen name was '96 flip me' (get it??? LOL)
before long we were chatting every single day and
eventually we had chat marathons at nite that lasted
6 or 7 hours. I was running on 2 or 3 hours of sleep
a day but it was worth it at the time. At Joshua's
request I changed my screen name in January of
1995 to 'Lady Poet Kiss' (the love of Lord Poet Black).
In February we began exchanging letters and
photographs by postal mail. His letters were always
so wonderful & without fail had a hint of his cologne
on the paper. I was so in love with this man that
I had never met. He was perfect. 27 years old, a
security guard, living in Florida & he really cared
about me! I just couldn't believe it! He was
incredibly gorgeous. I sent my phone number in
one of my letters & waited every nite for his call.
One very late nite in early March the phone rang.
I picked up the receiver in almost disbelieving
anticipation. A deep sexy voice came on the line.
"BOO!" & then a sexy little laugh. I knew it was
my Love. That single little word a line from our
favorite movie 'The Crow' left no doubt in my mind.
We talked for 4 hours that nite. At the end of that
conversation Josh told me that he loved me. My
heart melted. His birthday was coming in April &
he was planning on going to Ohio at the end of
March. He was going to visit his stepfather & then
go to Oklahoma & stay with his dad for a while. He
wanted me to come visit him once he got to Oklahoma
right around his birthday. I started making plans.
I told my husband that I was involved with someone
& because he had his girlfriend it was taken fairly well.
I was ecstatic & so in love. Josh & I talked every single
day going over our plans not only for our visit but for
our future. But as is always the story of my life
disaster loomed in the very near future for me.
About a week before I was scheduled to leave for
Oklahoma, I got a phone call from someone who
identified himself as Josh's stepfather. He asked if
I'd been talking to & writing Joshua. I told him I
had & that I had plans to meet him in a week.
His next question shattered my entire world "Do
you know how old Joshua is?" My answer came
out of complete & utter denial "Yes, he's 27" Then
the final devistating blow "No Ma'am, Joshua is only
17" I literally felt my heart being ripped without
mercy from my chest. This man & I talked for about
20 minutes & when I hung up the phone I was filled
with a range of emotions, sadness, disbelief, anger.
Josh had given me his forwarding address in Oklahoma.
Had in fact made me memorize it, which I did. I sat
down that nite & wrote an epic letter filled with all
the emotions I was dealing with, telling him to just leave
me alone. I mailed it the very next morning. During
my conversation with his step father I was given the
phone number to Josh's mother in Florida, in case I
wanted to verify what I was being told. The evening
after I mailed the letter I decided to call it. A man
answered who told me his name was Jay, Josh's
brother. Jay & I talked for 12 hours that nite ( in
retrospect a very bad case of rebound) Jay told me
all about himself. "Let me guess... he told you he
was 27 & a security guard, right?" I was
taken aback. "How'd you know that?" He laughed.
"Because I'm 27 & a security guard" Jay & I talked
every nite for hours & the last week of April I packed
up what I could fit in my brother's car & he drove
me to Ft. Lauderdale Florida to live with Jay. I fell
in love with Florida but quickly realized that I didn't
love Jay. Six weeks later I was on a Greyhound
headed back to Misery (aka Missouri). I went to
stay with my brother who wasn't home a lot. I
turned to Wicca & the Gothic side of me began to
form. I got a job doing telemarketing for a carpet
cleaning company. I went to work every day &
then back home to my room & my Nine Inch Nails.
That was my life day in & day out. In October I
took a 2nd job in a haunted house (best job I ever
had!!!) One Friday in late October I came home from
a late nite at the 'house' & stopped to check my mail
as I always did. I threw the assorted bills & junk
mail on the seat of my car & drove up to the trailer
I shared with my brother. Once inside I sorted thru
the mail & suddenly dropped everything but the
single letter I was holding in my hands. I stared at
it in shock. There was no return address but there,
above that bright yellow change of address sticker
the post office uses, was my name & old address &
I immediately recognized the handwriting and my
nose was suddenly awakened to the scent of that
cologne. Once I allowed myself to glance at the
postmark any shred of doubt disapated. I dropped
the letter on the coffe table & just glared down at it
for what seemed like an eternity. The thoughts
raced thru my confused mind. "What could he
possibly want?" I don't know how much time
actually passed before I reached down & slowly
picked it back up. I opened it as slowly & carefully
as a kid trying to open a letter addressed to his
parents from the teacher. I slid the thin letter
from the envelope & unfolded it. I let my hands fall
to my lap as if in fear to discover what had been
written to me. The tears began to slide down my
cheeks as I lifted the letter & began to read. It began
"My Dearest Forever Lady Poet Kiss..." I read on.
Joshua expressed his sincerest apologies for hurting
me he attempted to explain that he really liked me
but knew that if he'd told me how old he really was
I wouldn't have talked to him ('Damn fuckin' straight!'
I said to myself) He went on to say that he realized
how wrong he was, but that he never did lie about
his feelings for me that he did then & still did now,
love me and that he had truthfully turned 18 that
year age didn't matter to him & he hoped it
didn't matter to me. He asked me to come & meet
him in Oklahoma gave me detailed directions & told
me he'd do anything to make it up to me if I'd only
give him another chance. You can imagine my
reaction. I frantically rumaged thru the house in
search of paper & pen. Finding them I sat down &
wrote a very matter of fact reply to my fake
'Lord Poet Black'. In short I told him he had no
right trying to come back into my life & fuck me
up all over again. I stuffed the brief note into an
envelope addressed it, using the address given
to me in Josh's directions shoved his letter &
envelope in along side of mine & sealed it tightly
shut. I threw it on the counter by the door & I
went to bed. It was so late & I overslept Saturday
morning failing to get the letter off in the mail. I
spent the day in tears & emotional turmoil. Sunday
morning upon waking I went into the kitchen to fix
some coffee. There lying on the counter right
where I'd left it was that letter. I picked it up. I
could smell that scent permiating from the envelope.
I carried it into the living room & sat down on the
couch tossing it on the coffee table in front of me.
I must have picked it up & laid it back down a hundred
times before I finally tore it open & pulled Joshua's
letter back out. I re-read it several times before I got
up got dressed grabbed my keys grabbed that letter
& started on my way to Tulsa, Oklahoma. I left at
2:00 pm & six & a half hours later. I pulled up in front
of Josh's house. I sat in my car for quite a while
trying to muster the nerve to go up to the door &
knock. When I finally did I was shaking all over as
I slowly walked up the stairs & stood in front of the
door reaching out, I knocked three times rap rap rap.
After what seemed like hours the door slowly
opened. A woman, not much older than myself,
was standing there. "Yes?" she asked. My voice
cracked as I cautiously asked "Is Josh here?".
Without hesitation she said "Sure, hold on a
sec". Another 'few hours' passed & the door opened
back up. Standing there was Joshua. He threw
his arms around me & sobbed into my neck.
"Oh my God Lynda! I can't believe you came!" We
just stood there & held one another for a long time.
When we finally stepped back I looked into his
eyes & I knew at that moment I had found my
soul mate. I had never felt love so intensely before
in my life so intensely, in fact, that it made me
doubt if I had ever really loved anyone before
that moment. Before I knew what I was doing
I blurted out "Wanna come & live with me in
Missouri?" With no doubt or hesitation he
answered me. "Sure! Come on in while I grab
my shit & we'll get goin". He kissed me, took
my hand & lead me into the house & to his room.
He quickly gathered his clothes & some personal
stuff into a couple of dufflebags & a suitcase as I
sat on the bed watching him. Every so often he'd
stop look at me & say, "I can't believe you're
here!" Carrying his stuff toward the front door
he paused & told his step mother he was moving to
Missouri with his girlfriend there was not much of a
reaction on her part aside from saying "I'll tell your
Dad when he gets home from work." With that we
were out the door. Throwing his things into the back
of my Plymouth Horizon. After driving about an hour
Josh, who had his head on my shoulder & hand in
my lap that whole time looked up at me & said
"I can't wait to make love to you". Fifteen minutes
later we were registering at a roadside motel. We
shared several hours of the most passionate stirring
& heart fulfilling love making unlike anything I had
ever experienced or have ever experienced since.
I cried tears of joy happiness & love As Joshua
wiped the tears from my eyes I looked at him
and watched as a single tear rolled silently down
his cheek. We slept what remained of that nite
tightly wrapped around one another & Monday
morning we were on the road again to what I
thought was my brite & happy future. Once we
arrived back at my home now our home we spent
every spare moment together. He immediately
found work & we were happy or so I thought.
A week before Christmas Josh told me that
he had heard from his ex girlfriend that she was
pregnant & had threatened that he'd never see the
baby if he didn't come back. He promised me that
he was only going back to protect his rights & that
if I'd be willing to move to Tulsa he would find a place
for us & send for me. I told him that I would follow
him anywhere. My brother drove us to Tulsa to drop
Josh off. I didn't think I would be in any shape to
drive back alone. Once in front of his house he took
me into his arms & kissed me. "I love you so much
We'll be together again soon I promise" He slowly
walked up those steps & into his father's house.
That was the last time I ever saw or heard from
Joshua. After not being able to reach him and not
hearing anything from him I made the decission
on Christmas eve, to pack whatever I could fit in
my car & go to him. He wasn't home when I arrived
but his stepmother told me I could wait for him. I
waited five hours and suddenly there was a car horn
blaring outside. His stepmother went outside &
came back in. "Hun Josh doesn't want to see you
I'm sorry" I was crushed. I got up & left. As I
was walking to my car I tried to peer thru the
darkness hoping to catch a glimpse of Josh
somewhere in the shadows but I saw no one. I
started my car & tore out down his street heading
toward I-44 & the reality of my future. I made the
normally 6 hour trip in a mere 4 1/2 hours & once
home I blockaded myself into my room for the
remainder of the holidays. My life had lost all of
it's meaning. I delved even deeper into witchcraft
practicing solely writing love spells using tarot &
a ouija board. I drowned myself in Trent's pain
so masterfully set to hardcore melodies & in mid
January of 1996 I suffered a nervous breakdown
& narrowly survived a suicide attempt. I'm not
sure to this day if Joshua really ever loved me. I
know that I loved him & always will. Those who
saw us together swear that he did love me that
what he felt showed & that no man could fake it
that well. About a year & a half ago I found
Joshua's address on the internet. I wrote him
just out find out how he was & let him know
that I would always care for him. A reply came
back about two weeks later. A reply not from Josh
but from his wife. She assured me that Josh
was fine & that he was happy & she begged me
to let the past die. I have not attempted to
contact Joshua again

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